Yesterday was one of the hardest day/nights Ive ever experienced, everything that could hurt did, everything i thought would happen of course did too..
Everything came to a head last night when i tried to ride, i ended up sitting in the middle of the riding school sobbing my heart out on a horse that must have wondered what the hell was happening….Ive never cried like that in my life.. I hope i never have to again..
Reality had a way of hurting and opening so many wounds yesterday, i didn’t know people could be that nasty but they were..
We were pushed to the back of the room as i feared, so my half sister and brother and my dads girlfriends family could all sit up the front, listening to the vicar announcing Barry had two beautiful kids Anthony and Katherine who will miss him dearly, hit like nothing else…….. talk about wound …..we amount to nothing, that hit home loud and clear..
All these years Ive made myself believe that he did care but just didnt have much time, its all bullshit, he couldn’t have cared, if we didn’t go to see him we wouldnt see him, he didn’t ever come to see us not even once.. simple as that.
The speeches that were made by ‘so called’ relatives that were not relatives, made me feel so sick, the fact that me and my sister were ignored by all Janet’s lot made me so angry and hurt, why didnt we get the chance to put a flower on his coffin like the rest of them? why was it that me and Denise were completely ignored as if we didn’t exist? same old story…
We both sat through the service crying, holding hands so tightly, both of us feeling exactly the same way i guess, wishing we hadn’t gone….
I’m not sure what happened directly after the service as we left, everyone was gathering round the flowers, so we walked off into the distance and dissapeared like they all no doubt wanted us to, you could hear the whispers, but neither of us cared by then, they weren’t the reason we were there, he was…..
What yesterday showed me clearly was that dad wasn’t there for us when we needed him as he was too busy, he had moved onto a new life and didnt want to look back, they wouldn’t have treated us like that if they knew we meant something to him would they…
The speeches that were spoken filled in a cruel storys missing gaps, about the caring dad who was always there for his two great kids, about the grandad that doted on his grandchildren and took them everywhere, what they forgot to mention was the kids and grandkids he left behind and didn’t bother with at all..
I couldn’t stop shaking all day and night, I’m not sure if it is hurt/anger or the pain of losing my father, but whatever it is, its left me with one huge gaping hole inside.
If my own dad can treat me like that then its hardly surprising everyone else does, its obviously me…… I worked that one out while sitting on that horse.
All i have to remember him by, is the little with deepest sympathy booklet that had a photo of him on the front, they left those on the church seats, all the rows had one per person as a momento, except our row of course, we had one between us three girls left there… cruel fucking bastards.. Julie said something to the vicar afterwards as she came out with one each for us, her appologies werent nessesary that she thought he only had 2 children, she only read out after all what was given to her to read…
I know things kicked off when we left as my sisters told me, apparently our cousin stood up and gave a speech of her own at the wake… About how awful us daughters must have felt listening to all that shit from people who were not even relatives calling him dad and grandad, she said it made her feel bad just listening to it, everyone just looked at her without saying a word, so Debbie came back with, “You know his first two kids, you ones didn’t bother telling that their dad was even dead!”.. she left shortly afterwards telling everyone they were disgusting.. so im glad i wasnt there for that bugger! the service was tough enough…
I don’t want to be here today, I’m not coping with how i feel at all, and don’t want any part in society anymore, as they are all a bunch of arses in my eyes.. Perhaps i should be more like them and treat people like they treat others .. heaven knows a phone call to the tax man would be my first port of call, for a few people..
I was listening to my fella trying to get my head straight by telling me to concentrate on my work and not think about it, hes never seen me like he did yesterday admittedly, but nothing he can say makes any difference, its all just rilling me up more, we would all like to click a finger and the hurt/misery goes away wouldn’t we? thats a perfect world that doesnt exist.. this years been full of the stuff…
Between us we haven’t got any parents that are any good, his dads a paedophile, his mum never bothers, and my mums the other side of the world with a big black guy living in a mud hut!… oh yes she will come gladly come to see me, if i pay for the plane ticket of course! … what brilliant grandparents they all are..my lucky kids… my grandparents have always been their only support..and mine, but Fridays looming closer so im now pannicking about that! Grandad has to undergo major surgery again as his annuism has split again.. I wont cope if i lose him to on top of whats already happened………
I’m not sure what i need to do today, my fellas gone off to Kent to measure up for this new job, which I’m glad about as i want some time to myself today, i just want to sleep and somehow try and come to terms with whats happened..
Perhaps ill wake up and all this has been a bad dream…….
Ive never felt so fucking low messed up and broken..
I dont feel, like i can mend this lot…….i feel empty…..
written by
Joanne
\\ tags: Horse Riding, riding, risks
