The kids have finally just left for first day back to school, it drives me mad standing at the door having to check they have everything, 2 tried to go with no coats and the other forget all their bags, ill be needing a checklist soon..
The house looks like a bombs hit it again and i was too bloody tired last night to do it, i didnt finish cooking tea til 10, my fellas never home to eat before i ride so i feed the kids and cook again when i get home..so im going to spend a day, get my headset on (if i can find it) and clean everything up.. just so i can do it all again tomorrow i guess.. Mark went and got the kids all new headsets for a surprise and turned up xmas eve with them bless, but mines not here again either! lol how many ears has Ryan actually got?
Last night im sorry to say was a total disaster, i came home from riding in tears and so frustrated with myself, its not like me, im not proud of that fact, but i havent booked any more riding lessons either.. Imgoing to talk to my friend Claire there, i know she will give me honest answers..
I tried to talk to my fella about it when i got back but he wont understand when it comes to riding and will just think im being silly, but riding has grown to be really important to my life so to me it isnt silly, i have to sort this out and make some decisions about whether i want to ride anymore now..
I can still go and do my voluntry work there, so ill get to be in that enviroment im happy in, so that parts good and something i dont need to lose.
A few weeks ago i hit my brick wall in regards of really going backwards, the harder i tried the worse i seem to make it, but what else are you supposed to do when you cant get something right, i was always taught to keep trying, but there is also a thing as trying too hard, which is apparently what im doing.
Phil is really good at riding and teaching, but i was getting so angry and frustrated with myself, instead of letting me do it my way (which to be fair i dont even know will work, im just happier doing it that way) he kept telling me to use my whip, i really dont like them… never have, and i wouldnt need one if i got it right would i?
I dont want my horse to behave simply because its scared of me..thats not what im about at all…
Well to cut a long story short this little horse knows i wont use one, so is being totally uncooperative.. It took the pleasure away last night, i was genuinely upset with him and myself and at times scared of what he was doing, if you even move a whip across he senses it then bolts off hurling forwards into the walls or corners, try sitting on that bugger with one hand only on the reins, cause youve had to use a friggen whip!its like doing a wheelie on a motorbike, but hes more unpredictable as you cant control him and he doesnt know the word brakes unless its when he wants to find them… I love him as hes a horse, but i dont like riding him, and keep getting him week after week now..
I always take a whip with the other horses and used it as a back up. so basically as i kicked i backed it up with that in the same place… my kick wasnt as strong as it needed to be so it let the horse know what i wanted, its worked up until now, but Kenny hates whips…. Phil only has to pick one up the other side of the arena and the bloody thing starts going scatty… so i ended up shouting in front of my friends, to back off and let me ride the bloody horse, even if it is badly… its not working if hes having to get it going for for me…. is it?
When i first started there i told them all honestly, i didnt like riding the little horses/ponies, i feel too close to the floor and not stable seated like i feel on the bigger guys, i was taught on big horses so find it more natural to me, Phils philosophy is because im really small i can ride the little ones , they are more fun! and make you a better rider… ive gone along with that and never complained as parts of it do make sense, but i was riding Pip alot and didnt have any problems with that , the small ones are harder to ride as they are more bouncy and not plodders, but its still that: too close to the floor part im not confident with. They say its not so far to fall, I say i dont care about that part its enevitable but its how i feel when im riding that i go with, and how i feel on that horse…Yes Jack is dangerous, but i wasnt scared of him as somehow we worked together, my too small legs and fucking arse, somehow he knew what i wanted and we did it…
Week by week Phils been helping me and is getting me to do stuff i never thought i would do, Ive been cantering round bare back and never felt so happy or comfortable, so that parts really good , but for 5 weeks now ive been given this little chap to ride who i just dont connect with well … every week he deliberately runs so close to the outside walls that he drags my legs along the walls and gate to catch them and basically treats me like a sandwich filling, the sand is built up around the edges of the arena sothe horses dont go up close to the corners like that, so hes doing this on purpose and knows ..
Week by week i come home with sore legs and keep trying with him, but hes not responding to me pulling him back and is getting worse, so sadly its not as simple as pulling him in.. Come back Pip, hes the only small horse i fitted with, and i loved riding him.. but the poor man went blind and is now in his well deserved retirement woods enjoying the rest of his days without the work..
I rode on sunday and had a better private lesson than the past one with Kenny, I really wanted to get over this barrier, so i can start jumping again, its been 4 weeks since ive done any, yesterday Phil said i had done what he set out for me to do and we spent the secondhalf of my lesson on double jumps, i went home happy and hopeful that perhaps my groundwork was getting there now i can jump again, but its un-nerving when some of the jumps look as big as my horse does. I just dont fit with these small guys mentally, and i dont care what he says about being perfect for my size either…….I actually sat here last night and thought about trying to pile on some weight ! I bet then i wouldnt get ponies to ride.. but the most id get is a buddah belly, weight just doesnt stay on, and people call me lucky ! not if you want to ride big horses its not……… Sometimes i hate being small……. but i cant change that………
I jumped in a lesson before xmas on Jack and knew myself i wasnt ready to jump with him yet, hes an ex showjumper and really bloody fast, top that with a double bounce and it makes for some exciting landings and sore bum cheeks, I knew i needed some work on those lead ups so started these private lessons to help that part.. I started with Wendy whos very good but slow and then Phil took over our evening classes and really pushed me, so i transfered to him, but instead of moving forwards like i hoped, ive gone hurling backwards and felt like i held up the whole group last night, which isnt fair to my friends there..
All 4 of us were supposed to be cantering round together, which you can only do if youre all safe, as you have to think of others their horses and what they are doing and work as a team, tell that to my stupid f**** horse when he cuts off Jack and rides like a looney, it wasnt good…
I ended up pulling him up in the middle and just sat and watched the others. Phil was shouting at me to go again and i did keep trying, but the more i asked the worse the horse behaved, so in the end i shouted that theres another 3 girls in this lesson that have looked foward to tonight, and im not prepared to hold them up anymore tonight..
Ive never raised my voice like that there, i came back very quiet, swore at Kenny all the time i rugged him up, put him to bed, and went for a walk out in the fields on my own…
When i came back Phil and the girls were waiting for me outside, he didnt say anything just put his arms round me and told me not to beat myself up, the fact that he took my hat, got on Kenny to then make him do exactly what i couldnt do, didnt show me he can do it…. it showed me how shit i really was….
My philosophy has always been if you enjoy it then do it, and last night was the first time ive ever come home not happy, i have shit lessons, sure.. but i need to get back on one of the bigger boys now so i can see if this is actually doing what Phil says and making me a better rider..
He says its because im soo small, yet another girl who was in our class last night cant weigh any more than i do and he gave her Jack……. that says it all to me really…. Jos crap, give her a pony
If im told the truth i dont quit, if im lied to i start to look beyond the words and doubt everything including myself……. yes the truth does hurt sometimes, but i prefer it that way, as you can learn what youre doing wrong and sort it out.. how do you know what youre doing wrong if someone isnt telling you the truth to sort out…. he says im fine and its not me, but why keep giving me Kenny then? put me on another horse so i can see… theres too much bloody thinking going on this morning in my head…
Anyway as im analysing it, im obviously not happy, so i havent booked anymore lessons, I dont want to lose being with the horses, i know that much, but i also dont want riding to become part of a confidence issue, where it makes me feel like shit either…
Ill wait and see how i feel about this before i make any decisons..
Or do what my fella suggests and walk away for a while………. he believes that taking some time out may help… I dont know how i feel about it today, just very sick…..
Theres one word for the way i feel today, and for my very sore arse and thats bollocks!
I need a bath………………….
written by
Joanne
\\ tags: Horse Riding, riding, risks
