Apr 13

A death and trying to ride

Horse Riding, riding, risks Add comments

Yesterday was one of the hardest day/nights Ive ever experienced, everything that could hurt did, everything i thought would happen of course did too..

Everything came to a head last night when i tried to ride, i ended up sitting in the middle of the riding school sobbing my heart out on a horse that must have wondered what the hell was happening….Ive never cried like that in my life.. I hope i never have to again..

Reality had a way of hurting and opening so many wounds yesterday, i didn’t know people could be that nasty but they were..
We were pushed to the back of the room as i feared, so my half sister and brother and my dads girlfriends family could all sit up the front, listening to the vicar announcing Barry had two beautiful kids Anthony and Katherine who will miss him dearly, hit like nothing else…….. talk about wound …..we amount to nothing, that hit home loud and clear..

All these years Ive made myself believe that he did care but just didnt have much time, its all bullshit, he couldn’t have cared, if we didn’t go to see him we wouldnt see him, he didn’t ever come to see us not even once.. simple as that.

The speeches that were made by ‘so called’ relatives that were not relatives, made me feel so sick, the fact that me and my sister were ignored by all Janet’s lot made me so angry and hurt, why didnt we get the chance to put a flower on his coffin like the rest of them? why was it that me and Denise were completely ignored as if we didn’t exist? same old story…

We both sat through the service crying, holding hands so tightly, both of us feeling exactly the same way i guess, wishing we hadn’t gone….

I’m not sure what happened directly after the service as we left, everyone was gathering round the flowers, so we walked off into the distance and dissapeared like they all no doubt wanted us to, you could hear the whispers, but neither of us cared by then, they weren’t the reason we were there, he was…..

What yesterday showed me clearly was that dad wasn’t there for us when we needed him as he was too busy, he had moved onto a new life and didnt want to look back, they wouldn’t have treated us like that if they knew we meant something to him would they…
The speeches that were spoken filled in a cruel storys missing gaps, about the caring dad who was always there for his two great kids, about the grandad that doted on his grandchildren and took them everywhere, what they forgot to mention was the kids and grandkids he left behind and didn’t bother with at all..

I couldn’t stop shaking all day and night, I’m not sure if it is hurt/anger or the pain of losing my father, but whatever it is, its left me with one huge gaping hole inside.
If my own dad can treat me like that then its hardly surprising everyone else does, its obviously me…… I worked that one out while sitting on that horse.

All i have to remember him by, is the little with deepest sympathy booklet that had a photo of him on the front, they left those on the church seats, all the rows had one per person as a momento, except our row of course, we had one between us three girls left there… cruel fucking bastards.. Julie said something to the vicar afterwards as she came out with one each for us, her appologies werent nessesary that she thought he only had 2 children, she only read out after all what was given to her to read…

I know things kicked off when we left as my sisters told me, apparently our cousin stood up and gave a speech of her own at the wake…  About how awful us daughters must have felt listening to all that shit from people who were not even relatives calling him dad and grandad,  she said it made her feel bad just listening to it, everyone just looked at her without saying a word, so Debbie came back with, “You know his first two kids, you ones didn’t bother telling that their dad was even dead!”.. she left shortly afterwards telling everyone they were disgusting.. so im glad i wasnt there for that bugger! the service was tough enough…
I don’t want to be here today, I’m not coping with how i feel at all, and don’t want any part in society anymore, as they are all a bunch of arses in my eyes.. Perhaps i should be more like them and treat people like they treat others .. heaven knows a phone call to the tax man would be my first port of call, for a few people..

I was listening to my fella trying to get my head straight by telling me to concentrate on my work and not think about it,  hes never seen me like he did yesterday admittedly, but nothing he can say makes any difference, its all just rilling me up more, we would all like to click a finger and the hurt/misery goes away wouldn’t we? thats a perfect world that doesnt exist.. this years been full of the stuff…

Between us we haven’t got any parents that are any good, his dads a paedophile, his mum never bothers, and my mums the other side of the world with a big black guy living in a mud hut!… oh yes she will come gladly come to see me, if i pay for the plane ticket of course! … what brilliant grandparents they all are..my lucky kids… my grandparents have always been their only support..and mine, but Fridays looming closer so im now pannicking about that! Grandad has to undergo major surgery again as his annuism has split again.. I wont cope if i lose him to on top of whats already happened………

I’m not sure what i need to do today, my fellas gone off to Kent to measure up for this new job, which I’m glad about as i want some time to myself today, i just want to sleep and somehow try and come to terms with whats happened..
Perhaps ill wake up and all this has been a bad dream…….
Ive never felt so fucking low messed up and broken..
I dont feel, like i can mend this lot…….i feel empty…..

written by Joanne \\ tags: , ,

Working is a major influence on who we are as people and who we will become in life. Understanding the importance of the job we do is the first step towards appreciating the gift of work and learning how to use it to our advantage. Rather than seeing our work as just being something that we begrudgingly do each week day from 9 to 5, we have to see it as something more meaningful.

Work Creates Discipline
The commitment involved in getting up and going to work each day to devote many hours to a particular job is a major accomplishment. Regardless of the type of work one does, the simple fact that a person can make it to the workplace day after day is impressive.

Work is Giving
By giving your time and commitment to your work you are contributing to society in many ways. You may be working to keep food on the table for your family, providing valuable products or services to society, or creating jobs for others if you're the boss. Work Encourages Growth
The skills we learn at wor
k can involve everything from spiritual growth through to improved physical health. The contacts we have with customers or coworkers encourages social interaction, which is a great way to learn how to deal with people from a variety of backgrounds. Many skills from particular industries can also be of benefit in our home life.

Work Improves Life
For the person that has little motivation or the ambition to do better in life, their conditions are improved by working because they can provide for their family and perhaps take the occasional holiday. But for those seeking more out of life, with big hopes and dreams, work is the key to change. It may start with a job that merely feeds and clothes you, which later leads to creating the change necessary to rise above your current circumstances. That could mean attaining further education while you are still working to get a better job, creating a product that could improve the life of others, or getting the savings needed to start your own business.

We can let work use us and become just another number clocking on and and off each day, or we can use work to create the person we wish to become in life. By choosing to learn from the work we have to do, we can eventually do the work we really want to do. If we collect chicken eggs or are the mayor of a city we are learning everyday, contributing to society, and improving the life of those around us.



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Life Tip 1) First, life is worthwhile if you LEARN. What you don't know WILL hurt you. You have to have learning to exist, let alone succeed. Life is worthwhile if you learn from your own experiences, negative and positive. We learn to do it right by first sometimes doing it wrong. We call that a positive negative. We also learn from other people's experiences, both positive and negative. I've always said it is too bad failures don't give seminars. We don't want to pay them so they don't tour around giving seminars. But the information would be very valuable – how someone who had it all, messed it up. Learning from other people's experiences and mistakes.

We learn by what we see - pay attention. By what we hear – be a good listener. Now I do suggest being a selective listener, don't just let anybody dump into your mental factory. We learn from what we read. Learn from every source. Learn from lectures, learn from songs, learn from sermons, learn from conversations with people who care. Keep learning.

Life Tip 2) Life is worthwhile if you TRY. You can't just learn; you now have to try something to see if you can do it. Try to make a difference, try to make some progress, try to learn a new skill, try to learn a new sport. Life is worthwhile if you try. It doesn't mean you can do everything but there are a lot of things you can do, if you just try. Try your best. Give it every effort. Why not go all out?

Life Tip 3) Life is worthwhile if you STAY. You have to stay from spring until harvest. If you have signed up for the day or for the game or for the project - see it through. Sometimes calamity comes and then it is worth wrapping it up. And that's the end, but just don't end in the middle. Maybe on the next project you pass, but on this one, if you signed up, see it through.

Life Tip 4) Life is worthwhile if you CARE. If you care at all you will get some results, if you care enough you can get incredible results. Care enough to make a difference. Care enough to turn somebody around. Care enough to start a new enterprise. Care enough to change it all. Care enough to be the highest producer. Care enough to set some records. Care enough to win.

Welcome to the A death and trying to ride Article

Well don’t we just have it all at our fingertips these days? Mobile telephony, satellite monitoring, wireless go anywhere internet connection, SMS and ‘always on’ email straight to our palm devices.

As soloists, there’s no excuse for failing to stay in touch with our work (and our clients) regardless of where we are or when. The marketers of course, would have us believe this is all good.

I disagree. Sure, some of it can be good and at times it is very convenient, but the worrying trend is that always available may become the workplace norm.

A quick glance at how these new services are being marketed and you’ll see imagery depicting young, happy executives tapping away at the keyboard while at the beach or in the garden. In the distance we see friends and family supposedly playing and communing happily.

Everyone is doing what they love. How nice.

Let’s now consider the reverse scenario: Friends and family playing happily in the office while you work. Do you reckon you’ll get much done? Nope. Me neither. You’ll be distracted and certainly won’t be concentrating on your work.

Relaxing with friends and family isn’t a totally passive past time. You need to participate if you are to give and receive. It’s called ‘being present’. If you’re not joining in, all you’re really doing is moving the office to a new location…and one where nothing terribly meaningful is achieved.

Let’s look at other implications of the always available trap.

Remember the good old days when you took a day or two off and were pleasantly surprised when everything ran smoothly in your absence? The times when your clients and associates rose to the challenge of management and decision-making and showed themselves much more capable than you had given credit?

Why would anyone risk making a decision about anything now, when you’re just a moment away?

On the other hand, if you want to make every micro decision (er, control freak!) then carry on, you’re doing just fine.

While some soloists may quite rightly say that being always available and in-touch is wonderful for their business, a survey on our site suggested over 72% of you would be more than happy if a surprise law banned mobile phones. Chances are partners and friends are sure to agree!

The answer to this is not that complex. Being available can most certainly be good, but we have to establish boundaries with our colleagues and clients.

If you don’t stay in control of your involvement in your business, you’ll forever be its prisoner.

That doesn’t sound like a good recipe for loving your work does it?

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